Today marks the first anniversary of my mom’s passing. I’m not quite sure how I feel, but I’m missing a lack of closure.

With my parents in California and me in Ohio, it was challenging to stay connected. But, in 2019, I noticed a quick decline in my mom’s health. That December, she had another stroke. I had lost track at the point, but I knew it was not a good sign.

Early in 2021, I was noticing an unhealthy trend in my mental wellbeing. I suffer from depression, and there is a history of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder in the family. My mom’s recent health problems just added to the stress. So, I started seeing a therapist.

I wish that therapy didn’t have a negative connotation. E.g., you’re going to treatment because you’re are broken and need repairing. In reality, it should be seen as coaching. E.g., you’re in some current state and want to move to a new, better(?) state. Had I the latter mentality, I would have started therapy sooner! At least I have someone I can talk with.

In the middle of 2021, shortly after my mom passed, I started reevaluating priorities. For example, I put school on pause and stopped Toastmasters. I was hoping to connect better with those around me.

But, a year later and it is difficult to see what’s changed. My therapist asked if I’d commemorate my mom’s passing. At this point, I’m not really sure how. Initially, my dad said there’d be a memorial service when the pandemic is over. But, since he’s moved to a different state, that looks less likely. It’s difficult to feel a connection with people and places I hadn’t seen regularly.

I’m thankful that she passed early in the pandemic and didn’t die due to Covid. I hope that she’s able to rest in peace as I continue to find my own inner peace.